Im back, what now?

have so much to tell...

me and benggoy no more - exactly the reason why I seldom visit this blog... for 8 months, we practiced this on and off habit and its no joke. Just composing your thoughts and imagining how it would look like when I write about it already feels tiring at the same time nkkhiya din...good thing I set limitations on internet use in the office and I don't have internet connection at home... (though I have to thank my brother for leaving his broadband tonight, when I needed it the most)

effort to the max - How I wish change is as easy as one snap of a finger. I have to gradually give up hope, the one which kept me hanging on for the last half decade. Final means do not do, say or think anything that would complicate things further. This is the part where brain is promoted as the chief of staff.

career change - I don't really know if this is good opportunity or a threat to my future with Benggoy. I know I just wrote about giving up hope earlier but I did mention gradually right? This issue really got me confused up to now.. He doesn't like it at first, then advised me to invest in nice, more appropriate office attires for the position, and later on, a negative mention of it in the "final" stage. Its really hard to decide right now, whatever stand I take would be very significant for my future. I still value & prioritize having a family but if there would be no family to look forward to, where would I go from here Evita?

Present family - Actually this is the reason why I decided to write tonight. When you're tired from work, with so much going on in your mind, one small spark would ignite you and bring the house down. When you're juggling duties, dealing with pressures of all kinds, watching & making sure everything falls into places, the least you need to hear is one small stupid remark. I don't want to defend my reaction cause there's no right excuse for it. I just need to let it out. But the damage has been done and there's a bunch of crazy ideas now popping from everywhere. A lot of thinking has to be made.

5. What now? - Yesterday, I had an unexpected meeting with Benggoy. After weeks of silence, we started a casual friendly small talk. Felt really weird, I actually imagined bumping into him exactly like it but not this soon. No follow up SMS whatsoever last night so I greeted reality this morning. Perhaps God just fulfilled my simple wish, and with this, I have to continue moving on...

But I totally lost control tonight which may lead from cold house war to eviction - forced or voluntary.

In this time of need, I did not think much of what chief of staff would dictate. I asked for help, He's my closest friend. My boss allowed me to go on leave tomorrow, I have to think of the smart choices from crazy ideas or ask for a sound advise that is, if we will meet or talk.

With so many things happening around me all at the same time, I really wish I know what God wants me to do and where He would lead me. God sirit na!