been in and out of a relationship with the same person... have overused the phrase "its different this time"... guess its really different this time... hmmmm...
have nothing else to say...
have to leave this blog-for-him thing... maybe for now or forever... hmmmm.....
find something else to do, to write about, but not in this spot...
good bye to the things that make you go hmmmm... hmmmm... hmmmm....
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Im back, what now?
have so much to tell...
me and benggoy no more - exactly the reason why I seldom visit this blog... for 8 months, we practiced this on and off habit and its no joke. Just composing your thoughts and imagining how it would look like when I write about it already feels tiring at the same time nkkhiya din...good thing I set limitations on internet use in the office and I don't have internet connection at home... (though I have to thank my brother forleaving his broadband tonight, when I needed it the most)
effort to the max - How I wish change is as easy as one snap of a finger. I have to gradually give up hope, the one which kept me hanging on for the last half decade. Final means do not do, say or think anything that would complicate things further. This is the part where brain is promoted as the chief of staff.
career change - I don't really know if this is good opportunity or a threat to my future with Benggoy. I know I just wrote about giving up hope earlier but I did mention gradually right? This issue really got me confused up to now.. He doesn't like it at first, then advised me to invest in nice, more appropriate office attires for the position, and later on, a negative mention of it in the "final" stage. Its really hard to decide right now, whatever stand I take would be very significant for my future. I still value & prioritize having a family but if there would be no family to look forward to, where would I go from here Evita?
Present family - Actually this is the reason why I decided to write tonight. When you're tired from work, with so much going on in your mind, one small spark would ignite you and bring the house down. When you're juggling duties, dealing with pressures of all kinds, watching & making sure everything falls into places, the least you need to hear is one small stupid remark. I don't want to defend my reaction cause there's no right excuse for it. I just need to let it out. But the damage has been done and there's a bunch of crazy ideas now popping from everywhere. A lot of thinking has to be made.
5. What now? - Yesterday, I had an unexpected meeting with Benggoy. After weeks of silence, we started a casual friendly small talk. Felt really weird, I actually imagined bumping into him exactly like it but not this soon. No follow up SMS whatsoever last night so I greeted reality this morning. Perhaps God just fulfilled my simple wish, and with this, I have to continue moving on...
But I totally lost control tonight which may lead from cold house war to eviction - forced or voluntary.
In this time of need, I did not think much of what chief of staff would dictate. I asked for help, He's my closest friend. My boss allowed me to go on leave tomorrow, I have to think of the smart choices from crazy ideas or ask for a sound advise that is, if we will meet or talk.
With so many things happening around me all at the same time, I really wish I know what God wants me to do and where He would lead me. God sirit na!
me and benggoy no more - exactly the reason why I seldom visit this blog... for 8 months, we practiced this on and off habit and its no joke. Just composing your thoughts and imagining how it would look like when I write about it already feels tiring at the same time nkkhiya din...good thing I set limitations on internet use in the office and I don't have internet connection at home... (though I have to thank my brother for
effort to the max -
career change - I don't really know if this is good opportunity or a threat to my future with Benggoy. I know I just wrote about giving up hope earlier but I did mention gradually right? This issue really got me confused up to now.. He doesn't like it at first, then advised me to invest in nice, more appropriate office attires for the position, and later on, a negative mention of it in the "final" stage. Its really hard to decide right now, whatever stand I take would be very significant for my future. I still value & prioritize having a family but if there would be no family to look forward to, where would I go from here Evita?
Present family - Actually this is the reason why I decided to write tonight. When you're tired from work, with so much going on in your mind, one small spark would ignite you and bring the house down. When you're juggling duties, dealing with pressures of all kinds, watching & making sure everything falls into places, the least you need to hear is one small stupid remark.
5. What now? - Yesterday, I had an unexpected meeting with Benggoy. After weeks of silence, we started a casual friendly small talk. Felt really weird, I actually imagined bumping into him exactly like it but not this soon. No follow up SMS whatsoever last night so I greeted reality this morning. Perhaps God just fulfilled my simple wish, and with this, I have to continue moving on...
But I totally lost control tonight which may lead from cold house war to eviction - forced or voluntary.
In this time of need, I did not think much of what chief of staff would dictate. I asked for help, He's my closest friend. My boss allowed me to go on leave tomorrow, I have to think of the smart choices from crazy ideas or ask for a sound advise that is, if we will meet or talk.
With so many things happening around me all at the same time, I really wish I know what God wants me to do and where He would lead me. God sirit na!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
feel good
Sept. 17... I choose to feel good today...
umagang kay ganda, hello sunshine!
After a very refreshing bath,
anak ng #$%@@! pinutakti ako ng nakng tipaklong na ants na apparently ay nag stroll sa towel ko while naliligo me ... aray aray aray...ayun, rosy all over...
but I chose to feel good today...
Maaga din me gumising para makapag plantsa ng hair...
so nice naman... walang tangles...
so di bagay ang sinelas, so go heels para ganda tindig...
ok n sna, mali lang me ng sinakyan today... d ko nbasa ang karatula so nkarating me sa ibang lugar.. need to get to the other side so mega akyat ng overpass (at nka-heels ako!)
alang fx so need to ride a jeepney... (ang hair ko!)
but I chose to feel good today...
tapos call of nature 1 hour away from the office... anak ng... buti n lang may chowking, my wiwi savior!... (sori d n ko bumili kc malelate me for sure)
I was late for 10 mins. pero at least I still feel good... Next time, magsusulat n me ng maayos talga... I just need to write this para maiba naman... :D
Hopefully everything will be ok hanggang makauwi me ngyon...
umagang kay ganda, hello sunshine!
After a very refreshing bath,
anak ng #$%@@! pinutakti ako ng nakng tipaklong na ants na apparently ay nag stroll sa towel ko while naliligo me ... aray aray aray...ayun, rosy all over...
but I chose to feel good today...
Maaga din me gumising para makapag plantsa ng hair...
so nice naman... walang tangles...
so di bagay ang sinelas, so go heels para ganda tindig...
ok n sna, mali lang me ng sinakyan today... d ko nbasa ang karatula so nkarating me sa ibang lugar.. need to get to the other side so mega akyat ng overpass (at nka-heels ako!)
alang fx so need to ride a jeepney... (ang hair ko!)
but I chose to feel good today...
tapos call of nature 1 hour away from the office... anak ng... buti n lang may chowking, my wiwi savior!... (sori d n ko bumili kc malelate me for sure)
I was late for 10 mins. pero at least I still feel good... Next time, magsusulat n me ng maayos talga... I just need to write this para maiba naman... :D
Hopefully everything will be ok hanggang makauwi me ngyon...
Monday, September 14, 2009
would it?
Wouldnt it be nice
The Beachboys
Wouldnt it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldnt have to wait so long
And wouldnt it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong
You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together
Wouldnt it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through
Happy times together weve been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldnt it be nice
Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldnt be a single thing we couldnt do
We could be married
And then wed be happy
Wouldnt it be nice
You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldnt it be nice
Courtesy of a very good friend:
"There comes a time in
your life when you realize that if you stand still, you will remain at
this point forever... Walk your path one step at a time -- with
courage, faith and determination." - Vicki Silvers in a Blue Mountain
Arts card
I remember the baby steps benggoy used to tell me… steps kya talaga un or bka jog in place? :(
Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true...But it seems the more we talk about it, it only makes everything worse... this could have been nice if we do something about it... :(
- bitter me signing off..
The Beachboys
Wouldnt it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldnt have to wait so long
And wouldnt it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong
You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together
Wouldnt it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through
Happy times together weve been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldnt it be nice
Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldnt be a single thing we couldnt do
We could be married
And then wed be happy
Wouldnt it be nice
You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldnt it be nice
Courtesy of a very good friend:
"There comes a time in
your life when you realize that if you stand still, you will remain at
this point forever... Walk your path one step at a time -- with
courage, faith and determination." - Vicki Silvers in a Blue Mountain
Arts card
I remember the baby steps benggoy used to tell me… steps kya talaga un or bka jog in place? :(
Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true...But it seems the more we talk about it, it only makes everything worse... this could have been nice if we do something about it... :(
- bitter me signing off..
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Day one
Horoscope for the day:
For me: there will not be one right answer. Rather, there are many ways to get to the same destination. This should liberate you. You don’t have to dwell on the decision making process. Just decide.
For him: you may be chosen as a worthy opponent in someone’s game, but consider carefully whether its something you want to be a part of. If the opposition charges at you, step aside and let it crash into something else.
Well, I’ve decided na, its for him to decide if he wants to be a part of it. God help us :D
Hmmm…
For me: there will not be one right answer. Rather, there are many ways to get to the same destination. This should liberate you. You don’t have to dwell on the decision making process. Just decide.
For him: you may be chosen as a worthy opponent in someone’s game, but consider carefully whether its something you want to be a part of. If the opposition charges at you, step aside and let it crash into something else.
Well, I’ve decided na, its for him to decide if he wants to be a part of it. God help us :D
Hmmm…
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Update
What happened in the past days has been very unpredictable. (Most likely the future holds the same) I just want to see the difference this time.
What we had and what I suppose we still have is more of a de facto relationship (imbento ko lang yun) Yung may identity crisis, behaving in an “us” way without establishing if it is rightful to have “us” in the first place.
I know I sound simplicating (imbento ko lang ulit : simple things glazed with complications) but sometimes love just ain’t enough talaga. “I love you” is just one of the most abused words cause what it means may differ from the one delivering and hearing it.
I love you + you love me does not equate to a sure hit, forever burning, solid relationship.
(Well I know you get the picture)
But if this is an exam, I prefer to have an essay to answer “Why I will not let go”
There are no are no guarantees naman talaga in anything but I think it would help if you can give time to have a real conversation and not just talk, to truly see and not just look, to truly feel and not just touch.
Guess, I have to end this for now before the five senses appear again.
What we had and what I suppose we still have is more of a de facto relationship (imbento ko lang yun) Yung may identity crisis, behaving in an “us” way without establishing if it is rightful to have “us” in the first place.
I know I sound simplicating (imbento ko lang ulit : simple things glazed with complications) but sometimes love just ain’t enough talaga. “I love you” is just one of the most abused words cause what it means may differ from the one delivering and hearing it.
I love you + you love me does not equate to a sure hit, forever burning, solid relationship.
(Well I know you get the picture)
But if this is an exam, I prefer to have an essay to answer “Why I will not let go”
There are no are no guarantees naman talaga in anything but I think it would help if you can give time to have a real conversation and not just talk, to truly see and not just look, to truly feel and not just touch.
Guess, I have to end this for now before the five senses appear again.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
right minus wrong
A lot of things have happened recently... e ano ngayon?
13 April 2009
“How can something so wrong feel so right all along..” di nga?
If you are searching the web, you will find several blogs on this context yet there are in fact some things that are so right but feel otherwise.
Like this stage were in.
Duration: 30 days
Goal: to breathe
Waahhhhh! 30 days!!!!!
Last Saturday, we bought this reference book for writers, which hopefully would help me improve my English achucuhchu.. As per benggoy, there are no rules, (actually there are rules pero it should not restrict you, parang ganun) as long as it sounds right, it is right.
Actually five senses to eh, so kulang pa yung smells, looks and tastes right.. hehe!
15 April 2009
been dying to call or send a message.. how are you na? I really miss you na (yes, cheesy!).. pero need to control kc he’s doing the same.. ang tagal ng araw…
16 April 2009
As expected, I gave him a call yesterday (need to control pala ha!). I realized that I don’t need 30 days to decide (kung ponds nga 7 days lang eh), I just need to take a few steps back so I can get a better look. Well, it’s a different thing for him though (which I sincerely respect).
Hopefully we can pass this stage na… Sbi nga nya “we will get through this together”
17 April 2009
Excerpt from last night’s season finale:
First two hours were fine, the next two and a half, a complete disaster… and then the bonggang bonggang magical words were uttered “tayo n lng ulit”. (but it did not happen this time)
I cant understand myself either. I wanted to fight for him no matter what but when I heard what I really fear the most, my cheering club collapsed. No matter how you prepare talaga, nothing beats the hurt of listening to the harsh sound of reality (softly spoken, almost inaudible but seems done in full volume to me)
Only hypocrites can claim that they are fine after a storm… Well I’m not.
I feel so down, so low, so sad (thesaurus?) khit pagsamasamahin pa lahat ng OA na adjectives, I’m not fine yun yun!
But I know I will be better in the coming days. Any day can be a good day to start. Pwede ngayon or tomorrow or next week, basta I will be better. (help me Lord)
13 April 2009
“How can something so wrong feel so right all along..” di nga?
If you are searching the web, you will find several blogs on this context yet there are in fact some things that are so right but feel otherwise.
Like this stage were in.
Duration: 30 days
Goal: to breathe
Waahhhhh! 30 days!!!!!
Last Saturday, we bought this reference book for writers, which hopefully would help me improve my English achucuhchu.. As per benggoy, there are no rules, (actually there are rules pero it should not restrict you, parang ganun) as long as it sounds right, it is right.
Actually five senses to eh, so kulang pa yung smells, looks and tastes right.. hehe!
15 April 2009
been dying to call or send a message.. how are you na? I really miss you na (yes, cheesy!).. pero need to control kc he’s doing the same.. ang tagal ng araw…
16 April 2009
As expected, I gave him a call yesterday (need to control pala ha!). I realized that I don’t need 30 days to decide (kung ponds nga 7 days lang eh), I just need to take a few steps back so I can get a better look. Well, it’s a different thing for him though (which I sincerely respect).
Hopefully we can pass this stage na… Sbi nga nya “we will get through this together”
17 April 2009
Excerpt from last night’s season finale:
First two hours were fine, the next two and a half, a complete disaster… and then the bonggang bonggang magical words were uttered “tayo n lng ulit”. (but it did not happen this time)
I cant understand myself either. I wanted to fight for him no matter what but when I heard what I really fear the most, my cheering club collapsed. No matter how you prepare talaga, nothing beats the hurt of listening to the harsh sound of reality (softly spoken, almost inaudible but seems done in full volume to me)
Only hypocrites can claim that they are fine after a storm… Well I’m not.
I feel so down, so low, so sad (thesaurus?) khit pagsamasamahin pa lahat ng OA na adjectives, I’m not fine yun yun!
But I know I will be better in the coming days. Any day can be a good day to start. Pwede ngayon or tomorrow or next week, basta I will be better. (help me Lord)
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